Episode 2: The Flawless Beauty Myth: A Woman's Perspective On Beauty Standards

Welcome back to another episode of Crossroads and Conversations! I’m Geeti, and as always, I’m joined by my best friend and co-host, Komal. Today, we’re diving deep into a topic that has shaped and, at times, burdened our lives: the relentless societal expectations for women to look perfect at every stage of life.

From our teenage years, we’ve been bombarded with messages about having perfectly styled hair, acne-free skin, achieving the ideal height and fair complexion. As we grew older, the pressure only intensified—maintaining the “ideal” weight, and even the unrealistic expectation to remain ageless in our 60s. And let’s not forget the post-pregnancy pressure to snap back to a pre-baby body.

In this episode, we’ll share our personal experiences growing up under these pressures and the profound impact it had on our self-worth and mental health. We’ll also discuss how these expectations are becoming even more stringent for the next generation, extending beyond women to boys and men as well.

But it’s not all doom and gloom. We’ll explore actionable steps we can take to challenge and change these harmful standards. Together, we’ll uncover ways to embrace our authentic selves and empower others to do the same.

So, grab your favorite cup of chai or coffee, settle in, and join us as we break the mold and redefine beauty on our own terms.

Because life is about the conversations we have at the crossroads—the moments that shape us, connect us, and remind us of our shared humanity.

Our episodes will come out every first Wednesday of the month, we hope you will join us and our tribe.
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Chapters

• 0:01 Introduction To Podcast
• 1:12 Podcast Episode Begins On The Flawless Beauty Myth
• 36:23 Podcast Outro As Episode Ends

Transcript

Crossroads & Conversations 

Episode 2: The Flawless Beauty Myth: A Woman's Perspective On Beauty Standards

In today's episode, we peel off the face masks and get real about beauty standards. We are your hosts with the most, Geeti and Komal. Today, we're diving into the world where wrinkles are a bigger fear than death itself.

And the pressure to look like a diva doesn't even end at death. That's right, you better have your winged eyeliner on point for the afterlife. We're going to talk about how society manages to be so brutal ;to little girls about their skin color, to teenagers, about their acne, to young women, about how they're either not skinny enough or too skinny.

 And then, as a woman who just had kids, the pressure to lose weight. In middle ages, we're not allowed to age, have wrinkles or gray hair. Now that I have lived in multiple towns, cities, and  two countries, I definitely have stories to tell. So if you want to join in this saga of a woman’s search for eternal beauty & youth that never gets fulfilled, grab a cup of your favorite drink and join us…

 But how about we start with you, Komal? You were raised in the capital city of India, the biggest metro, and now you're living in a small town. I would love to know your experiences. Do you find any difference in how a woman is looked at in different cities? Or were there pressures and expectations growing up to look a certain way? And how did that affect you? 

Geeti, you know that I'm fair in complexion, which is the golden standard of beauty in India.But I was never skinny enough, so I failed in that category. I have always been compared, all throughout my life, with someone or the other. But what hurt the most growing up was being compared to my mom.

 You know, Geeti, my mom is fair, extremely skinny, and looks delicate. She has the quintessential damsel-in-distress vibes. Probably every man who looks at her wants to turn into Prince Charming and wants to save her. Although she's quite capable of taking care of herself. But hey, we're talking about looks here. Imagine, Geeti, being compared to her in my pre-teens to all the way in my 40s.

 What? Yeah. Oh my god, people have some audacity. 

Just the other day, one of my patients came and said to me that they saw my mom while taking a walk. Without hesitation, she told me that my mom looks so petite and pretty that she could not believe that I'm her daughter. In terms of looks and beauty? Yes. Imagine, Geeti, they are my patients. They come for treatment, then tell me on my face that I'm not pretty enough, but my mom in her 60s is. So from feeling hurt to feeling not enough and to laughing about this comparison has been a long journey for me. So Geeti, what about you, what was it like for you growing up? 

Well, I was the perfect trifecta of disaster in the beauty category. Because just like you said, right? Being fair is one of the golden standards, which you made it to. I didn't. I am fairly dark-skinned. Number two is skinny. Failed it. Number three is height. Absolutely failed at it. But I grew up always fighting insecurities. And why fighting? Because at home, my mom was very, very strong in terms of giving these values to me. She always used to tell me right from childhood, maybe because she knew that the society will always come at me and make comments about my color or my height or that I'm not completely skinny. I was never overweight. In fact, when I look back, I want to be that weight. I was at a perfect weight, but not skinny. So my mom used to tell me that your looks, your color, your height, none of this is determined by you. If you have it, it's God's gift. If you don't have it, nothing you can do about it. But at the same time, she never considered it beauty actually. My mom always used to say that if you are a good person, eventually you will be liked and loved. Nothing else will matter. If you're not a good person, everything else, beauty, looks, color, it will fade away. You will be seen for who you are. So the heart is what needs to be beautiful. And that is actually very true. The other thing she used to say is, develop yourself. Make yourself as a good person. Take care of your body.Take care of your skin. Work on yourself in acquiring skill sets. But don't run after beauty.Don't obsess over it. And that's why probably I was always fighting my insecurities because I knew deep down somewhere that these standards should not matter. 

But they are so ingrained in society. You are made to feel that you don't have them every step of the way. So obviously there is a desire as a girl to meet those standards, to be called beautiful, to have people, you know, complimenting you. 

 Were you ever compared to your sister?

Only because she was really fair so as young girls we sometimes were compared for our skin color. And slowly and gradually, I think, we were mostly surrounded by people who loved us and those comparisons stopped. 

But like you had a journey of, you know, handling the comparisons with your mother, I have had to do a lot of inner work regarding not letting these things affect me. Because Komal, in India, everyone is ready to give you opinions.  If I'm going shopping, the shopkeeper will not show me bright colors in outfits. He will say, oh no, hot pink, reds, don't go for it. Buy browns, grays, beiges. Don't wear hoops. You have an oval face. It's not going to look good on you. Don't drink tea. You'll get darker. Put on face masks. You'll get lighter. Everyone is there trying to show that they want the best for you, but making you feel lesser and lesser in yourself by those suggestions. So yeah, growing up, I always knew that I don't have beauty currency in the market.

 Komal, you have two daughters now and a whole generation has passed. Times should have changed. How is it for your daughters? Is it any better?

Geeti, sadly, not much has changed for girls even today. Really? Yeah, my daughters are 9 and 13. And they're constantly compared openly sometimes for height, other times for complexion, and even for their facial features. The sisters are pitted against each other, which I think is quite sick. Not only do I worry about their own body image, but also that it might create jealousy between sisters.

 And forget about my daughters. Even when I go to their school for my parent-teacher meetings, I get judged. I get judged on what I'm wearing, whether it is traditional or modern, are my hair done? Are my nails done? And I'm even judged for the height of my heels.

 And this is by other moms or your daughters' peers? by both, actually. That's believable though. I can see that.

 You know, Komal, when you say that, I realize that growing up, the moms around us, the moms of our friends, and women in general, in their late 30s and beyond, did not feel the pressure to look a certain way. It was generally accepted that the bodies will change. They are busy in their domestic life, raising kids, and that's their priority.

 And they did not feel the pressure to dress a certain way, look a certain way, maintain figure, maintain the fanciness in their choice of clothes. But I think that has changed a lot now. Now, forget 40s, even in her  60s, a woman is not allowed to age. She's not allowed to have wrinkles on her face, or have any loose skin in her 80s. My mom stopped coloring her hair a few years ago and recently attended a family event. So many people commented that she looks old and should color her hair although she is 65. Even at that age, a woman is constantly told what to do.

I feel very uncomfortable in my mid-40s when I start showing my roots and gray hair. It almost makes me feel ugly. But aging is so natural. And earlier, women used to show and flaunt their gray hair, their wrinkles. And now we make every effort to hide them. That’s why we have Botox, hair colors, tons of anti-wrinkle creams and of course many other options  if those don’t work.

 Because society and media has successfully made every woman believe that she cannot age. It has been conditioned in her mind that she has to look young no matter what age she is. 

 And it goes beyond that. If you can't afford surgeries, you have injections. If you can't afford injections, you have makeup techniques like contouring and whatnot.

 From our face to our vagina, everything needs to be white. And I don't know where this is going to stop and how this is going to affect the next generation. 

Some of it is good, especially when it is driven by women who want to maintain themselves, who want to look good, who want to keep up with their skincare, their fitness, and that's great.

 It's always great as long as women are choosing it themselves because they want it for themselves, not under pressure. 

Geetika, you were born and brought up in India. Yeah.

And now you reside in the US. Yeah. Do you feel there are any major differences regarding these issues there? 

The beauty standards are the same everywhere.

 Although I do think that in the US, there's more awareness of personal space and you can decide how obsessed you want to be about it. And I think that's a very major difference. You will see girls here also completely crazy for their looks, for buying all these different \products.

 Makeup starts here, not even in middle school, even kids in fourth and fifth grade, girls start to do makeup and parents allow for it. So the culture is very much there to succumb to this pressure. But no one is going to be on your face as much as they are in India.

 Like you said, your patient will come and talk to you about it and won't even hesitate in commenting. So here, if I want to go to the mall with nothing on my face, in a sweatshirt or a hoodie, and look homeless, no one is going to come and say, oh my God, look at her. She's not dressed up.

 But if I want to wear a nice dress, look like a diva, and even go grocery shopping, that will be acceptable too. So the standards are really up to you. How much do you want to obsess over them? In fact, I think more than people outside, here the moms probably are the one who pressurize their daughters to look a certain way, lose weight, put makeup on, look pretty.

 Whereas in India, I think everybody feels that they have the right to say anything they feel like and judge you and come and tell you what they think. 

Komal, have you heard about Sephora girls? Not really. But you're familiar with the brand Sephora? Yes, yes.

 So today in the US, if you ever go into Sephora, you will see these little fashionistas. They are barely 10 or 12 years old. They're marching into Sephora with all the confidence of a beautician.

 And they're scooping up serums and creams that promise flawless skin, while their baby cheeks still have not said goodbye to their childhood freckles. And it's like watching a parade of pint-sized influencers in the making. So eager to mimic the elaborate skincare routines of their favorite social media stars.

 But these social media stars are girls probably in their late 20s. And these girls who are following them are so young. And let's not forget the parents, standing by with a mix of pride and bewilderment as their entitled little ones debate the merits of hyaluronic acid versus retinol.

 Probably they can't even pronounce these words properly. Yeah, they can't. And they're not worried about the price tag or the effect of these harsh chemicals.They just want to go get these products and use them like the influencers do. And it's adorable. But it's also very thought-provoking. And it raises questions about the innocence of childhood and the influence of this beauty culture on young minds. That's true. You're right.

The way we start exposing girls to how beauty is desired by society, how much love, attention and validation it provides, by magazine articles, movies and pop culture as well as women  around them modeling the desire to be skinny, fair and pretty, it is hard for any girl to stay untouched by it.

 And this special treatment is reserved for girls & women only. Have you ever seen these kinds of articles or tips? No, men get tips on wealth management, career progression, pursuing their passion, or perfecting their golfing.  

This pressure is all around us. And it comes at us in so many different ways and forms that even if we try to be self-aware, to not give in to it, it is very hard. I have had so many moments of self-doubt in every stage of my life. 

Even if I want to ignore it, I often find myself among women obsessing over a wrinkle or an extra pound on their perfect figure. Have you ever been to any party and noticed what the opening statements or conversations between women are? They are like, have you lost weight? Have you put on weight? Have you lost hair? Anything which is related to looks. 

But have you ever seen men meeting like that? Like, hey dude, you're getting balder by the day. Or, look at your beer belly, don't be drinking tonight, okay? Never, never, never. They pour each other a drink, turn on the TV, and chit-chat about politics? Or sports? Without a care in the world.  

Right? Right. Geeti, wanting to look and feel beautiful or fit is a good thing. Yep.

But we need to remember that we all have different genes, body types, metabolism, and life experiences. You're right. It can be so different for each of us.

 Someone even after three kids might be able to go back to pre-pregnancy weight. Whereas some may struggle with the weight for the rest of their lives. Women with hormonal imbalances and PCOS may have it hard, whereas others may not.

 And some women start having grey hair due to genes, where others can have beautiful hair in their 60s. Sometimes we don't see the others struggle just because from outside they look a certain way. There's a friend of a friend Komal whom I often meet at parties and she's this skinny woman. She has had kids, but like you said, she was able to go to her pre-pregnancy weight and looks fabulous. And every time I see her in the room, I kind of envy her because I could never go back to my pre-pregnancy weight. So I was talking to her the other day and I actually complimented her.

 And I said, I wish I could be as skinny as you are. And she was like, how is your overall health? And I told her my health is fine, but you know, I wish I could lose the weight too. And she asked me, are you taking any pills? And I said, no. She was like, I take pills for diabetes, cholesterol and hypertension. So don't go on this skinny body. I'm really unhealthy and unwell from inside.

 And that really shocked me because so many times we are made to think that if you're skinny, you will not have any other underlying health issues. You know, it's somewhere drilled down into me that I need to focus on my annual physical exam numbers. If my numbers are coming clean, if everything looks good, then I just need to focus on doing activities that make me or keep me healthy rather than being so obsessed with the number on the scale.

 Geeti, do you remember once you told me that we should talk to ourselves as we talk to our friends? Yeah. If our best friend is critical of her body, as a friend, then we will show her love and empathy and give her confidence. And this is exactly how we should talk to ourselves when we are in doubt.

 The problem is that the beauty standards are constrictive, Komal, and they are not representative of diverse bodies and experiences, especially a woman goes through from periods to pregnancy to perimenopause and menopause. So I agree with you. Definitely work out to feel fit, to look fit, eat healthy so you're not prone to diabetes and cholesterol.

 Definitely have a care routine, but we have got to stop giving into the unrealistic and obsessive beauty parameters. We must learn to dress up for ourselves. We should be able to wear what we want, what makes us happy, and not to fit into a box. 

We should accept our body for what it is and take care of it because it goes through so much for us. And be kind to it because it is so unique to us.Instead of criticizing it, berating it, comparing it, and even sometimes hating it. 

Picture this, Geeti. If women wholeheartedly embraced themselves, imagine the seismic shift it would cause. Industries that thrive on exploiting our body insecurities would crumble. Yes. Yeah.

 Society, marketing, and media sow these doubts only to swoop in and profit from our vulnerability. I hope someday we can see the manipulation and defy their game and rise above.

 We cannot control the society that's outside our house but I think family, spouse, peers, friends, they play a huge role. I already talked about how much of an influence my mom was in building my confidence and helping me not focus on all the comments coming my way from society regarding how I looked. But the big turning point for me came when I came to US Comal for my studies.

 I realized that actually in a different corner of the world, my skin color is desired. People would come and compliment me on my skin color and I would be like, oh my god, what the hell is happening? I am pretty here in this country. Unfortunately, girls here put their skin through so much from tanning salon to sun tanning just so that they are not white or pale.

 That is such a contrast. In India, we are doing everything possible to become pale and in US they are going the opposite way to become less pale. 

Yeah, My college experience drastically brought into light how most girls are actually anxious, insecure and want to be accepted for how they look.  It is such a brutal society. A girl is not allowed to feel beautiful no matter what shape or form she is unless she fits in this tiny, tiny box, right? So living in an international dorm among women from all over the world, I met young girls who were shorter than me, taller than me, darker than me, paler than me and yet, every single one of them so uncomfortable and insecure with their looks. And that's when I was like, this is the most fraudulent parameter ever because it doesn't exist. 

And I really started getting away from the superficial look and started thinking more and more about who I am as a person. What do I like to wear? What makes me feel good? What makes me feel confident and going after that? 

Family definitely plays a huge role, Geeti. In ninth grade, a classmate once took a mirror and shoved it on my face and said, do you know how ugly you look? Oh my God! Are you serious? Yes.

 After that, somehow it just broke down my confidence and I didn't want to see other people. When my mom realized something was off, she got me to tell her what had happened. She asked me, why am I letting someone else's opinion get to me? Who will decide and based on what parameters the definition of beauty and why should I accept it? She started having me do positive affirmations in the morning in front of the mirror and gradually I was able to let go of that negative experience.

 My mom's idea of beauty is very similar to yours and that is being a beautiful person, feeling beautiful from inside and disposing of the idea of unrealistic beauty created by society.

 Other than family,  I think the second most important and longest relationship we have is with our spouses. Tying the knot with a self-assured man who did not believe in these beauty parameters listed in beauty magazines and who found my personality, talent, intellect and wit charming was nothing short of winning a lottery in this world that's obsessed with beauty. Although I was a smart, intelligent, good-looking, educated and financially independent woman, yet you will not believe Komal how everyone was stunned that a tall, handsome man wanted to marry me. Whereas we saw it just as two comparable people who enjoyed each other's company wanting to spend their lives together.

 But what has really been important for me is that my husband always loved me through all stages of my women's experiences. I think when we see our spouses love us through all stages of pregnancy and womanhood in all its glory, we fall in love with ourselves a little bit more too.

 And it is so important to feel loved. Especially when we are at our worst. Not being able to fit in anything post-pregnancy though small yet is a humbling experience for every woman. I have taught myself to be kind to myself. I have created my own girl tribe who cheer for each other. And we are honest to each other and motivate each other to stay healthy yet stay away from toxicity.

 Social media, filters and selfie culture is creating negative body image and leading to mental health issues like eating disorders, depression and anxiety as well as social isolation more than ever. As a mother of two young girls, it is very bothersome.

 I think whether you are a mom to girls or boys we have a very crucial role to play by displaying self-love and acceptance of our own body Komal.

I am a mother to two boys and trust me as a society we already have failed girls and now these standards are being extended to boys also.  I have not seen the prior generation of men so conscious about how they look as this current  generation is already. I very consciously try to embrace my body and show acceptance  and have conversations that are focused on good health instead of weight or looks.

I will be  honest, it is not always easy. I still stumble and allow insecurity to creep in. You know my  struggles with my perimenopausal health. To be mindful and prioritize health over beauty standards. Creating a culture of fitness at home has helped.  I have started going to the gym with my boys just so that they can learn to invest in their health at a young age and we can be each other's accountability partners also.

Geeti I also talk constantly with my daughters about intelligence and kindness as qualities to value over physical beauty. It is so important in today's world to be aware if our children, boys or girls are struggling with body image issues and provide support. That is true.

I have struggled with weight going up and down whenever it wants all my life but nothing prepared me for the 40s. Oh my god it's the same story here too Komal. The middle ages are kicking my butt.

It's that delightful time in a woman's life when her body decides to throw a surprise party with all the uninvited guests. Weight gain, hot flashes, loss of hair, brain fog, loss of memory,  migraines.

But here is the twist Komal. In this entire phase of chaos I found a new superpower. The ability to not give a hoot.

At this stage of life you realize that (beauty standards are as stable as a house of cards in a windstorm and your self-esteem is built on sturdier stuff. So you strut your fabulous self armed with a witty comeback for every have you tried this, have you tried that and a smile that says I am more than a number on a scale. 

Now with AI Komal, artificial intelligence, do we even know what a person truly looks like?

 Once upon a time thin eyebrows were in and now people are going for bushy eyebrows. If you are pale you're encouraged to get a tan. If you're naturally tan the trend is to go paler.It's like society cannot make up its mind if it wants to embrace the sun or become a vampire.

 Eyelashes must be so long and voluminous that you risk taking a flight if you blink too fast. I know my mom says you can do grooming and mopping with those eyelashes, that's how big they are. 

Lips must be plump enough to serve as a personal flotation device. Never mind if they start entering the room before you do.

I know everything is so confusing. Straight hair? Curl it. Curly hair? Straighten it.

It seems like hair must always be the opposite of what it naturally is. 

Because why make life easy for a woman? 

Geeti have you seen wedding makeup videos especially from India? I know where you're going with this.

No matter the skin color they all are smeared with a white base and painted with a palette of colors to make every girl's skin look light. 

Can we please stop with crooked botoxed faces, Brazilian waxes and vagina lightening creams? 

Do we have any expectations from men regarding their bodies Geeti? They didn't until now but like I said I think it is slowly getting to them and I hope that we do not evolve into a society that engulfs men or boys as well. Instead we turn into a society who allows space for both girls and boys, men and women to embrace their own unique bodies and feel confident in whoever they are.

Because in the end these beauty standards are as fleeting as the seasons and trying to keep up with them is like running on a treadmill. You get a workout but you're not really going anywhere. The only way is to laugh at these ridiculous standards, embrace our own unique bodies, skin tones, color, choices and remember that true beauty is about being comfortable in your own unfiltered skin. 

Because at the end of the day we are the ones that make up this so-called because at the end of the day we are the ones that make up this so-called society. ( By reshaping societal norms we can create a healthier environment for future men and women to embrace their own unique beauty.

We need to advocate to cultivate a deeper understanding and empathy for women's bodies by respecting their unique experiences and rejecting unrealistic beauty standards that reduce them to mere objects of aesthetic value.

 Let this be a wake-up call to foster a more respectful and supportive environment that values women and men for their) contributions and individuality rather than their adherence to arbitrary beauty standards. In the end we just want to wrap up by saying that we all need to stop being at crossroads of what beauty is and begin a conversation of positive body image