A Woman's Invisible Burden: Good Girl Image & Social Expectations

Have you ever wondered why most women tend to be people pleasers in their adult life???
In this thought-provoking episode of “Crossroads and Conversations,” Geeti and Komal delve into the pervasive issue of the “Good Girl” image and the heavy social expectations placed on women. From a young age, girls are conditioned to fit into a narrow mold of being a good girl—the ones that share their possessions freely, don't say 'No", extend themselves to fit everyone's asks,  feel shame about their femininity, and strive constantly to please family and society. Meanwhile, boys are encouraged to be ambitious, strong, and providers, leading to a stark contrast in upbringing.
Geeti and Komal explore how these societal norms shape women into people pleasers and men into individuals who often lack sensitivity. They discuss the invisible burden of unpaid labor that women carry, the lack of recognition for their contributions, and the impact this has on their self-worth and purpose.
Drawing from their own experiences and those of other women, they offer insights on how women can acknowledge their contributions, demand respect, and redefine their roles both inside and outside the home. This episode is a powerful call to action for women to embrace their worth and challenge the societal norms that have long constrained them.
Tune in to hear Geeti and Komal’s candid conversation on breaking free from the “Good Girl” image and reclaiming their rightful place in society.

Because life is about the conversations we have at the crossroads—the moments that shape us, connect us, and remind us of our shared humanity.

Our episodes will come out every first Wednesday of the month, we hope you will join us and our tribe.
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Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction To Podcast & Hosts
• 1:13 Introduction to the Episode Topic
• 2:29 So different yet so similar
• 4:37 Childhood Experiences
• 9:27 Society's obsession with 'the good girl' syndrome
• 12:40 Pulling the double shift
• 14:11 Marriage: Partnership or More Work?
• 18:23 Financial Independence Not Equal To Fairness
• 22:14 The Gender Cookie Toppings
• 23:32 The Boy Moms: Victim or Culprits?
• 26:40 Self Awareness Creeps In
• 31:32 Adjustments Yes, Sacrifices No!
• 33:17 We Are Worthy & We Must Know It
• 35:35 Share Your Experiences
• 35:47 Outro as the episode ends

Transcript

 Episode 3: 

 Welcome to “Crossroads & Conversations,” where every path leads to self discovery. The podcast where two common women embark on a remarkable & candid journey of self-discovery, empowerment, and authenticity leading to self worth and happiness.

“Do you ever feel like your inner teenager rolls her eyes at the endless to-do list society hands you? Are you tired of having to flash your resume & paystub every time you open your mouth to make a point, just because you’re a woman? 

Kohmal: Oh my God Geeti, I am so tired of getting ‘participation trophies’ for juggling household, a professional clinic, motherhood and a husband when i should be on the podium with a gold medal? And seriously, who started this whole charade?”

If these questions have you nodding so hard you’re risking a neck injury, then join us, your hosts with the most, Geeti & Kohmal. We’re diving headfirst into the wild world of family dramas, relationship rollercoasters, and societal shenanigans that shape a girl’s sense of worth. 

Kohmal:We’ll unpack the challenges, the tears & the overburdened existence that comes with adapting to the ‘good girl’ mold and explore why we as women are still chasing after that sweet, sweet independence. So, grab your favorite tea or coffee, and let’s get chatting! 

Geeti: We are two women just like you in our 40s and have been friends for almost 24 years…since we met in 1999 in our late teens and eventually went our separate paths a year later. We could not have led a more different life from each other. I grew up in a small town of an underdeveloped state from India. I studied in a strict convent school and was raised in a rather progressive family that encouraged independence, integrity, clear communication and mutual respect. 

Kohmal: And I grew up in the bustling streets of South Delhi, surrounded by its vibrant culture and diverse community. Attending one of the finest schools in the area, I was fortunate to receive a top-notch education that laid the foundation for my future endeavors.

 I grew up as an only child in a close-knit joint  family. My parents taught me to value honesty and hard work. We lived by the principle of “Live & Let Live”. This upbringing greatly influenced who I am today. I still have a great relationship with my cousin, who was raised with me and shares my values; and is now my trusted friend and advisor. 

Geeti: I grew up with physician parents who started from scratch and instilled in me the values of hard work, integrity, and resilience. They always treated each other with great respect. I had a really happy and harmonious childhood with amazing parents & an older sister who is now my closest friend and a lot of extended family around.

Talk about differences:

Geeti: “As close friends, we’ve shared our daily lives and discovered that despite our supportive families, we turned into women who struggled to set firm boundaries and often found it difficult to say ‘no’.” 

Kohmal: Geeti, you were never half as bad as I was.

Geeti: Well, I just realized earlier than you that it is not serving me well. You as always took longer to learn lol. With realization came questions…how does this begin, manifests and impacts? 

Kohmal: Ha, true... that's very true. It took me quite a while to learn that lesson, the hard way. Growing up in a joint family taught me to always adjust, sometimes at the expense of my own needs, making selflessness a second nature. I did not realize when selflessness gave way to being a people pleaser. 

Geeti: That's a great point because people really confuse the two. They are so different though. Selflessness is about genuinely caring for others without expecting anything in return, you do it for self satisfaction. People-pleasing, on the other hand, is often driven by the need for approval or fear of rejection. It involves adjusting one’s behavior to make others happy, usually at the cost of one's own needs or desires. 

Kohmal: Growing up, if you got a gold star every time you shared your crayons, you might find yourself as an adult, handing out your lunch to coworkers with a hopeful grin. And if the thought of a complaint or rejection from others sends you into a panic, you’re probably the one at parties refilling everyone’s drinks, even though your own glass has been empty since 1998.

It’s like we’re all enrolled in an exclusive school where the curriculum is ‘Niceness 101,’ and ‘Assertiveness’ is an elective that gets cut for budget reasons. The teachers yelling and encouraging us girls on the playground called life with the cries of ‘Come on..More empathy! More smiles!  And by the way also make some coffee because they are more tired than you working on assignments while you are on the field running a marathon. Oh and don’t forget to look pretty when you serve the coffee.  We’re conditioned to be as accommodating as a leather recliner, always ensuring everyone else’s comfort, often forgetting to check ourselves in.

Kohmal: It is because of our social conditioning combined with learned behavior where girls are praised for being accommodating and being nice and boys are conditioned to focus only on work that will help them make a living in future and comfortably accept rest of the help from a mother, sister, aunt and in future, the wife.  Looking back at my childhood, gender was at the core of who I was but not always in a positive way. We have to remember that Our environment isn’t just our home; it includes schools, neighborhoods, social outings, and travel experiences and interactions with people outside of our immediate family. All these aspects together create the world we live in.

Geeti: For example, As a second daughter, I often heard people asking my parents to try for a 3rd child so that they can have a boy as if having 2 daughters was not good enough. There were many limitations on me owing to my gender. I saw even more impositions on my friends so I actually thought I was the lucky one. 

Kohmal: I bet they were something like, “Don’t go out alone, wear certain type of clothes, talk gently, laugh softly, don’t argue a lot? 

Geeti: Basically fit in the box of “Good girl” as defined by I have no idea who? Billions of wonderful personalities but expected to fit into this box called a “good girl”. As a young girl, I already questioned if being a girl was not good enough. 

Kohmal: You know Geeti, being the only child, my parents were also often asked to have a 2nd child so they can have a boy ... .and nothing has changed ,i was still asked to have 3rd child after 2 daughters…

Girls learn very early on that the world is not the same as it is for boys. A man doesn;t have to hide his shaving kit where a woman finds shame in being caught with a sanitary pad in her hand. 

Back in the day, ‘bra’ and ‘periods’ were the Voldemort of words—no one dared speak them, not even in a whisper. And even if a woman said ‘sex’ or ‘vagina,’ it was like she dropped a stink bomb in the room. She was tagged shameless and uncultured. 

Kohmal: All of these experiences slowly condition a girl to be timid, accepting of whatever behavior that is doled out to her, be as invisible as possible and bring as much convenience and value by her presence as possible.

And this is not limited just outside the house. I have seen my mom in spite of being a successful physician and financially independent, completely responsible for taking care of us and the household. She was always busy, overworked and on the go. I saw her giving a lot more to her profession to keep up with her male counterparts, family, relatives and household and asking very little in return. She is the most hard working, disciplined, talented, organized and wonderful woman I know but I felt like all of that was just baked into her role of being a wife and mother. She was loved, appreciated and respected no doubt but I now know she deserved it a thousand times more.

I saw even her physician friends dealing with disrespect and even abuse but forced to forgive and forget because the marriage must go on. 

Kohmal: Because Remember the world is an unsafe place, she already knows that. A known devil is better than the unknown.  In every social gathering, women seemed busy with feeding and taking care of kids, guests, dinner and other chores while men hung out together being served on a platter as they laughed and discussed politics, inflation and solved every other problem in the world except the one that made a difference to their wives. 

The kicker is that most women didn’t find any of this problematic, they believe that this is what their place and role is.

For festivals and holidays, moms then and now work hard to buy gifts, establish traditions, make the perfect meals just so everyone is happy. I do it and I am sure you do it too.

In many families around me, grown women had to literally take permission to step out from the house. I saw some women putting up with constant anger, verbal abuse, disrespect and ugliness just to stay married and society normalizing it..asking them to ignore, adjust and look for positives.

Kohmal: Geeti lets not forget Girls often face different expectations and fewer privileges compared to their brothers at home. It’s like there’s an invisible sign in the kitchen that says “Girls Only,” and the boys seem to have a magical immunity to the messy rooms and dirty laundry under the bed. While the girls are perfecting their round rotis and salad dressings, the boys are out there, probably trying to set a world record for the longest videogame marathon. But the most impressive is the grand finale—where the girls are given the award for their multitasking mastery (because how else will they keep them motivated to continue that path), and the boys… Well, they’re still looking for the remote. I bet the girls are expected to quickly accept the reward and move on to finding the remote. This doesn’t change when these boys grow up to be men, their sisters get replaced by wives who are now tending to their needs.

Geeti: Even in this day & age sometimes, when a girl is born before a boy, she’s suddenly promoted to junior mom. That’s right, she gets to trade in her dolls to help with diapers, because nothing says childhood like being a stand-in parent. So while little bro is living the life of the prince, sis is basically running a daycare she never signed up for. Girls are expected to be more open to sharing their possessions, be nurturing and nice especially when the baby brother demands it because how else will we raise future entitled men who won’t hesitate in asking for a woman’s self worth and self esteem?  Talk about a fast-track to growing up—ready or not! Such circumstances can have profound effects on her emotional development and overall well-being, shaping her outlook on life, relationships & men in the years to come.

Kohmal:All of these subtle experiences by girls at a very young age create low self esteem affecting how they perceive their worth and capabilities as  women. These experiences create the baseline of what to expect and accept as a grown woman. Give more, seek less, shrink yourself to fit the box, and rarely ask for help. You are just supposed to spread yourself thin and plug yourself wherever needed and sacrifice your personal needs and wants. Anything more than that and she thinks it is a bonus.

 In her defense though, she was probably the first generation of women who was given a chance to study, practice her profession, be the decision maker alongside her husband and be financially independent in a time when women had no say, rights or choices. Glorified for being overworked. Sometimes I wonder why we even agreed to dabble in both worlds? Now it's never ending, you are working two shifts.

Kohmal: Geet we had no option other then that,seei while growing up, I saw my mother's dedication as a homemaker, excelling in her roles and responsibilities with grace. Yet, it gradually became clear to me early that despite her tireless efforts, a woman's work within the household often goes unnoticed and undervalued…her efforts were often overlooked and underappreciated. .her views were never asked for any major family decisions.. I understood that without a paycheck, her contributions weren't given the same weight as a man's. It made me realize that without financial contribution, one's influence or authority is diminished.and if a woman wants equal footing and voice in the household, she must contribute financially in addition to owning the tasks of house management and parenting. This realization fueled my desire for a career and financial independence.

Geeti: So different cities, family structure, working professional mother vs Domestic Goddess…and yet very similar experience. Do you remember when all of this started manifesting in you?

Kohmal: I think my need for validation began its full display in my teenage years. My personality in college was that of Mother Teresa. If any one was sick in the hostel, whether I was with friends or not, I would be the first one to take care of her, hand out medicines on time, and accompany her to the dr’s. To the extent that other’s started pointing it out as a joke that if you have no one else…don’t worry, you will still have Kohmal.

Geeti: But isn’t it a good thing…to be nice, helpful, empathetic?

Kohmal: I used to help others without being asked and often didn’t get help in return. This habit continued into my marriage and other relationships. It feels bad to not receive empathy when you’re always giving it. Do you remember once in college I did something for you which you liked but also said that it actually doesn’t feel special because you do it for everyone?

Geeti: Yes I remember. For me, some are acquaintances, some are friends, some are close friends and I treat them accordingly. I would not bend over backwards for someone I just know of. You however went the extra mile for me as well as anyone else around. I know you now have learned those boundaries but that's why I said what I said back then.

Kohmal: So now you know it stemmed from my need to be liked and valued. I felt I had to go the extra mile because normal wasn’t good enough.

Geeti: Kohmal, I don’t paint the wrong picture here and blame the boys. Would you agree that boys have their own societal conditioning happening right from birth just like girls. It’s like society is baking a batch of gender cookies and deciding that assertiveness, intelligence, competitiveness, aspiration, money maker and independence are the toppings reserved only for the ‘man cookies.’ Meanwhile, the ‘woman cookies’ get sprinkled with understanding, empathy, beauty, sensitivity & domestic labor, because a girl can never be too nice.

And then there’s the age-old recipe for ‘marital bliss,’ that girls should be served up fresh and young, before they develop a taste for independence or  get too assertive—otherwise they will upset the delicate flavor balance in the in-law’s household.

It’s a quirky world where the ingredients for self worth, happiness & success are rationed out based on gender. But who decides that we can’t mix up the recipe and add a little spice to those ‘woman cookies’? It is time we toss in a dash of assertiveness, a sprinkle of competitiveness, and a big scoop of independence for girls too. 

Kohmal: Of Course you hit the nail on the head. Boys are definitely groomed to be the family ATMs, muscle-flexing heroes, and ambition machines. They’re told to lock away their tears in a high-security vault and throw away the key. Their childhood toys? Miniature Doctor briefcases and foam swords—because nothing says ‘future sensitive partner’ like a plastic hammer.

Enter the supermoms, the unsung heroes who can whip up a feast with one hand and soothe a scraped knee with the other, all while hiding their own kryptonite—sicknesses, menstrual cramps or theri crushed souls under never ending housework—everything hidden under a cape of invincibility. They’re the ones who lovingly spoil their sons, creating kitchen-phobic lads who think a spatula is a foreign object.

Fast forward, and these boys are now husbands, baffled by the concept that their wives might not want to channel their inner Gordon Ramsay thrice daily or might actually feel under the weather. ‘What do you mean you don’t want to cook or clean the house? My mom always did!’

Geeti: I think these gender biases exist all over the world, depending on how educated and diverse the areas are in a city or neighborhood. However, what worked in my favor was that once I came to the US for my higher studies,  I was living in a college town between perfect strangers.  I realized that actually in a different corner of the world, I actually felt a lot more free and empowered to be my true self. I finally met myself. With no one to constantly tell me how to think, what to think, what box to fit in, I became more and more comfortable in my own skin. I discovered my fav color, my career, my own belief system here and while building my own new life I decided to mix up the building blocks with equal dose of assertiveness & understanding; ambition & empathy and so forth.I learnt to say no to things I was not interested in…and opened up to exploring new things..it was a great place to be.

Kohmal: While you moved from a small town in India to a place in the US, I moved to a small town after marriage and began my married & professional life there. As a practicing professional, and a  young married woman, I was still  expected to  manage the household, cook, take care of kids, plan our social lives,  set up a successful clinic and share financial responsibilities and advance my career. Whereas my husband only had to worry about professional growth and didn’t share the household chores like every other husband around me. Unfortunately the society dragged and encouraged girls to turn into working professionals, earn a paycheck and share financial load with men but forgot to teach boys to share household responsibilities with the women they marry. This turned me into someone who already was a people pleaser into someone who stretched her boundaries to accommodate all the demands of personal, professional and marital life as well as motherhood leaving me no time for myself and utterly exhausted. I always said yes to relatives when they visited, even when I was exhausted, and tirelessly prepared meals for them. Similarly, I never turned down my children's requests for food, even when I was worn out. If we empower women to work outside the house without expecting men to work inside the house, then we are not empowering women, we are exploiting them.

Geeti: Kohmal, you couldn't have put it better in words. The world wants women to work, progress and land at the moon but before going, they expect that she just takes care of the meals, dishes, laundry and children. I think I began to slip into a people pleaser more post marriage. It manifested in my marriage and other relationships as well post marriage. Maybe because of the dynamics of marriage I saw growing up or all that women are expected to do once you have your own family.  Society places immense importance on marriage especially for a girl. Husbands are put on a pedestal and Society often expects women to work harder to maintain a successful relationship. Parents sometimes think their job is done when their daughters are married, but this can pressure daughters to keep their marriage going, even if it means making too many compromises. 

I think I felt conflicted because although from societal standards, they were subtle compromises. And yet they bothered me because they were taking me away from who I was and wanted to be at the core. Most women will agree if I say that most of the times the scale of fairness is so skewed when it comes to sharing household chores and parenting responsibilities that most women feel like being a single mom more than once. However men just can not understand why the wife is unhappy when they are going above and beyond.
Kohmal: They believe that taking out the trash equals cleaning the entire house. 
Geeti:  I was turning into a person who had a hard time saying no to more chores and responsibilities. Someone who felt overwhelmed and overworked and yet could not prioritize myself. 

Kohmal: Women all over become wives and mothers who can’t justify asking for time, feel guilty when they prioritize themselves and can’t say ‘No’ even when they are sick or over committed. They feel like they have to give the world what is being asked to keep everyone happy and have no concept of boundaries. 

My struggle truly began with crumbled boundaries and people pleasing actually after Marriage & Kids and I didn’t even know until the wake up call came.

For me too, It wasn't until later after being a wife & a mother…that I realized the distinction between making minor adjustments and sacrificing my own well-being. All of this took a toll on my health, and I realized that if I'm not taking care of myself, how can I expect others to take care of me?

Some women never get into this zone of self awareness and continue like this forever. Owing to our wonderful family, education and exposure as professionals, thank God that we both eventually realized that something’s gotta give and thus began our journey of creating boundaries, questioning expectations, learning to say “no” and saying ‘yes’ to ourselves first. 

Women’s worth extends far beyond the realm of financial earnings. It’s woven into the fabric of daily life through household management, the nurturing care provided to children, the sacrifices made for family, and the countless responsibilities shouldered. Each of these roles is pivotal, contributing to the foundation of society. It’s crucial for women to recognize and value their own contributions; self-appreciation is the first step in teaching others to respect their time and efforts. When women start to prioritize themselves and assert the importance of their roles, it sets a precedent for others to follow suit. This intrinsic recognition of one’s value is a powerful force, one that doesn’t require external validation to affirm its significance. Women must stand firm in the knowledge that their contributions are invaluable, paycheck or not.

Absolutely, setting boundaries is essential for working women to maintain a healthy balance between their professional and household responsibilities. It is easier said than done so lets do a deep dive on how we got to this realization and steps we took to take back control

Today, take a moment to evaluate your overflowing plate of responsibilities and expectations. Now acknowledge to yourself how valuable your contributions are and that you are doing a great job. 

Geeti: So what are some of your experiences growing up that shaped you into the person you are today? Do you think you are a people pleaser? Or do you need to reclaim your boundaries? Let us know in the comments.