Crossroads & Conversations

"The Self-Love Shift: Reclaiming Your Time, Energy & Peace"

• Crossroads And Conversations • Season 1 • Episode 6

Share episode

Share Your Feedback & Love

 In this episode, Geeti and Kohmal share how they have slowly tried to weave self-love and setting boundaries in their everyday life. They discuss how women, especially wives and mothers, often lose themselves in responsibilities and expectations. Through personal anecdotes, they share how small but intentional changes—like saying "no," managing household tasks with the "DDDD method" (Divide, Delegate, Delete, Deny), and embracing self-worth—can transform relationships and daily life.

They also break down practical strategies for communicating boundaries, dealing with pushback, and why is it important to learn to disappoint people. The key takeaway? Self-love isn’t selfish; it’s essential. Tune in for real talk, relatable moments, and a roadmap to reclaiming your time, energy, and happiness.

✨ Challenge for listeners: Pick one task today and either Divide, Delegate, Delete or Deny it! Let us know how it impacts your life. #SelfLoveJourney 💜 

Because life is about the conversations we have at the crossroads—the moments that shape us, connect us, and remind us of our shared humanity.

Our episodes will come out every first Wednesday of the month, we hope you will join us and our tribe.
Connect with us on social media:

  • Instagram: @crossroadsnconversations
  • Facebook: @crossroadsNconversations
  • Youtube: @crossroadsNconversations

Geeti: Hey everyone, we're diving into practical ways to weave self-love into the fabric of everyday life.

Komal: We'll be sharing our journey of creating opportunities to prioritize our needs, claiming our voice to establish boundaries without dropping the balls on our roles as a wife, a mother as well as a working woman. And trust us, it's a wild ride!

Geeti: So, sit back, relax and let's get started!

Komal: We're your hosts with the most, Geeti & Komal and we are ready for some real talk, laughs, 

Geeti: and maybe a few "aha" moments. Let's do this!

Geeti, we have sort of completed our series on self care in the last few episodes where we laid the foundation to become aware if we are into people pleasing, and move towards self love and boundaries. 

We established how important it is to find ourselves worthy. In our last episode we learned about why boundaries are important and all different types of boundaries we need for healthy relationships. 

But how do we know if our existing boundaries are insufficient or non-existing? Or that there is a need to find time to practice self-care? 

It begins with mindfulness—a pause to tune in to our emotions. When an incident, interaction, or conversation stirs something within us, we must listen. Are we hurt, disappointed, or overwhelmed? 

Being true to these feelings is essential. If someone’s constant expectations weigh on us, it’s okay to acknowledge it. We’re not superheroes; we’re human. Accepting that we feel let down, disappointed or disrespected is the first step toward setting boundaries. 

When life stretches us thin—work, family, responsibilities—it’s a cue. Our inner voice whispers, “Take care of yourself.” That’s where self-care comes in.  We must honor our feelings, set boundaries, and embrace self-love. 

Because when we care for ourselves, we can care for others even better.  Self-love is like a compass guiding us through life’s twists and turns.

Geeti,  why do you think these concepts are important  especially for a wife and mother? 

It is because  I realize that it is adulthood but predominantly after becoming mothers is where most women lose their sense of self, leaving behind a mountain of responsibilities and a pile of unmatched socks.  

You are so right Geeti, Motherhood is a place where time bends, and somehow, the five minutes spent on a quick email morphs into a three-hour stretch through the land of unpaid bills and parent-teacher meetings. 

We are made to believe that a mom should not want time for herself, motherhood is just about giving & running around crazy and being a wife means putting your partner first. 

But here is the truth, being a wife isn’t about self erasure, it is about partnership. We can prioritize our partner without losing ourselves. In fact both partners must be invested in each other’s physical and emotional health & happiness. 

Our needs are valid too and if we feel unheard it is okay not only to express it but also set down some boundaries. Similarly as mothers we can be nurturing and and still have passions, dreams and boundaries. 

 In fact, the first step is to understand ourselves better. When we feel overwhelmed, take a moment. Ask yourself, what conversation or changes are necessary?

Geeti: Komal you won’t believe that when I feel uncomfortable with a situation or interaction, in the moment, even if I ignore it, I keep replaying it in my head when I am in the shower.I find myself involved in imaginary conversations instead of relaxing. That is my cue that a conversation is necessary with someone else.

Komal: So how do you start the change or conversation? 

Geeti: If it is about tasks at home, I start by having a frank discussion with my husband or kids (now that they are also older) about either the task that should not have been my responsibility or an interaction I didn’t like.

Sometimes it is one conversation and at times it is a series of discussions, conversations, sometimes even arguments and conflicts. 

How do you handle tasks that you feel should not be yours?

I have a system, it is my own invention :) It is called DDD.

Divide, Delegate or Delete.

I evaluate if tasks on a list can be divided between the family. Now that kids are old enough, I feel comfortable giving some of the responsibilities. I believe in every privilege be balanced with a responsibility. If you are old enough to have instagram, you are also old enough to bring down your laundry, fold and put away your clean laundry. So everyone is empowered to use their iphones to set up their own reminders, alarms and to do lists which started saving my time as a personal assistant. 

Things that can be outsourced and be managed in our family budget are delegated to hired help. If you want my recommendation,  choose to cut out an expense and hire a cleaner instead. It’s important to remember that the work you do at home is endless, and in order to focus on what is important to you, it is completely okay to spend on getting help, freeing up your time without feeling guilty. 

Then there are seriously some things I chose to delete. Christmas photos, Diwali ki Mithai, Driving kids on weekends for parties that are more than 30 minutes away, (how I explained it)

Did it stick? 

Yes and No. The foundation is laid, but every now and then as new items get added to our roles and responsibilities, we keep having conversations. But at least I am asked and not delegated anything. Earlier even if I was asked, it was with inbuilt expectation that my answer will ofcourse be yes. Now it is asked to know if I can accommodate it knowing fully well that I can say “no” as well.

What was your turning point?

Kohmal: Geeti, I was commuting from my inlaws house in the town to my clinic in the city everyday and it was making my life very hard and I did it for many years. Relocating to the same city where my clinic was located proved to be a game changer for me. 

How did you pull this off? Because I remember discussing this so many times and you always saying moving away was not an option.

Geeti, a few wintery night we ended up sleeping in the clinic and realized we could sleep in a bit more the next morning and saved up to 3 hours of commute time.  I didn’t have to worry about chores waiting for me after reaching home late at night and had more time in the evenings to ourselves. The extra rest and relaxation made me calmer & happier in general both as a mom and as a professional.

But how did you deal with your In laws who wanted you to never leave the family home?

How did your in laws adjust to this change? Geeti remembers conversations from those days & asks how she managed expectations from her being daughter in law.

My in-laws were not very happy with our move and initially believed it was a temporary setup, but seeing the benefits I decided to choose my convenience & happiness. I had learnt to say No and it didn’t matter anymore if they were friends or family. 

Komal you being a people pleaser in the past, how did you learn to say no?

Geeti, living in a traditional joint family taught me a valuable lesson. Despite giving it my all—juggling a three-hour commute to meet their expectations and doing my best both at home and outside—I always felt like I wasn’t enough. So, I figured, why not live a life of my choice and accept that I might never be good enough for some people? At least my life is convenient, I am happy. Accepting this gave me the courage to say ‘No” where needed and be okay with people staying disappointed with me since they were disappointed before as well.

See Komal, being able to say ‘No’ and being okay with people being disappointed with you is very important to establish clear boundaries.

What about expectations Komal ?

 Komal says I stopped managing  expectations of people who could not see the strain and stress the commute had put on me during those years. My kids were growing up and needed routine and stability. My health was failing and I was working constantly like a machine. 

 This meant that if being a daughter in law I was expected to show up for social obligations on a tiring day, I started to say no.

Any tricks to say no effectively Komal?

 using the sandwich method. I actually use it for so many ‘NOs”.

What is the sandwich method?

The "sandwich method" to establish boundaries means delivering a "no" or boundary statement by framing it between two positive comments, essentially "sandwiching" the negative message with positive reinforcement to soften the impact and maintain a respectful tone while asserting your limits; it's a communication strategy that helps you set boundaries while minimizing defensiveness.


Geeti: I use it all the time too, even at work:

  • Positive start: "Wow what a wonderful occasion, thank you so much for inviting me. I am so happy for you.."
  • Boundary statement: "However, since your event is on a wednesday afternoon, unfortunately I won’t be able to make it since I have patients already scheduled."
  • Positive end: "I would be happy to drop by and give my best wishes to the new couple if they are available over one of these weekends.”


Geeti asks how difficult was it for the husband to accept these new boundaries. Komal answers.

I dont think he has still accepted these changes to be honest, but at the same time im not giving any choices here.i have learnt and realized  that after a long day of hard work and juggling  multiple roles i deserve a peaceful evening, a restful night ,a relaxed morning, quality time with my kids and control over my day and  its pace.and i dont need permission.. from others to have this, because i have learnt to love myself and i know im worthy of this…

The most wonderful moment in a woman's life ( and dreadful in the man’s) is when she realizes she can do whatever she wants (without disrupting obviously the needed equilibrium at home reasonably), and she doesn't need anyone's permission to live a life that brings her happiness & peace. that very moment when she sheds of the weight of others opinions, she becomes lighter as a feather and it gives her wings to fly.

The thing is Geeti, when we establish boundaries, there is always a chance of people taking it as pushback or being miffed with it and not liking it. Sometimes self-love is the beginning of a few endings. Be okay with it. Believe me when I say that you don't miss out on what's meant for you. In fact when you love yourself first, you attract people who are emotionally mature and actually better for you as friends and peers. They are happy being with you and understand and respect your boundaries as well. Those are the people you want anyway.

Geeti: You are absolutely right, I also revisited equations in my other relationships. I expect respect for my time and willing to end relationships where I feel pushed or disrespected. It means telling someone who is being unnecessarily upset or angry on the phone that, “I will hang up if you continue to use that tone with me” and actually hanging up on them and only resuming conversation when they talk with respect.

In fact, it can be something as simple as driving in my own car for a common activity with a friend who lives close by, just so I have more control on when I want to return home instead of having to adjust with someone else’s plans and schedules.

But did you see a change after you set boundaries when you feel the need?

I also thought through my own expectations from myself and tuned those and shed the conditioning I had picked up along the way. 

Oh yes, it helped me to prioritize my tasks, stopped chasing perfection, and opted for simpler household routines and meals. Unfortunately we women feel compelled to clean and get judged harshly for having anything less than a spotless home. But I stopped aiming for a picture-perfect home and opted for a lived in feel. Everyone in the house is responsible to pitch in. It’s okay if tasks aren’t done exactly my way; I have embraced letting go of control and what matters is that they’re completed. The dishwasher doesn’t need to be perfectly loaded, if needed run that damn thing twice. 

A made bed is enough even if it doesn't match my bed making skills. However, practice makes perfection and today those tasks are almost done to my expectation. Also doing the chores themselves helps them appreciate the time and effort involved. We all contribute to dinner prep, and other repetitive tasks because it’s about helping the household, not just me.

So geeti, is there a way to do things better from the get go?

I think, if we take a moment right when we begin a new relationship/friendship, we try not to go above and beyond to impress but we do what we can consistently do through-out the course of the said friendship/relationship is better. To not please in the beginning so we don;t set wrong expectations and then later having to set boundaries. 

Like when a guest comes, I tell them at our first lunch/dinner time that we only eat at dining tables and not at couches or beds and appreciate it if they can also do the same. Earlier I used to be hesitant because many kids are used to eating while running around or on couches but I request it now politely. 

Geeti That is so true. When my cousin got married, right from the beginning he set down boundaries with rest of the family. He made sure that his new wife gets time to adjust to her new family and he continues to be the bridge between her and the rest of the folks without burdening her with responsibilities. When we meet, he takes care of hosting us and our needs because he says he is our brother and does not put that burden on her. This approach actually has built the wife’s trust in her husband and strengthened our relationship too. It also allowed us to first get to know our new sister in law and become friends with her without any expectations.

Kohmal, what steps did you take to change things at your end?

Just like you, I outsourced many mundane tasks by hiring help. I cooked & cleaned less, and used the available time to bond with my children, improving our communication and relationship. I also established routines for better daily life at home, for instance my kitchen closes at 9.30 pm. 

Geeti: So when did it close before? Till like 1 am…

P on my feet all day and need to rest now. If you want dessert, have a banana, if you want something savory, have a cracket, if you are hungry, raid the fridge but I am now done for the day.

Now I say that I am tired because I have been up since morning and as a dentist I am u

I also established some sensible rules to manage the household better like eating together at the same time. 

So earlier everyone ate at a different time?

Although I have to say that it sounds so much easier than it is. Every change was extremely difficult.

But self love is a journey, this is a marathon, not a sprint and you have to keep it going.

Whether it was changing jobs for better career moves or traveling to meet my friends or it could just be taking time for my creative pursuits like this podcast, cutting down on unnecessary demands, managing expectations and saying no, has really been a game changer.

Don’t get me wrong, this was not a walk in the garden. It takes trying, failing & trying again. 

I would sometimes fall back into old patterns and expect understanding over clearly communicating my needs. But push backs were met with detailed discussion to understand the reason for resistance. 

 Yes, for me too, it was a process of mutual understanding, where their perspectives were considered and mine assertively presented. But I did not stop working towards a more balanced life for myself. Self-love teaches us to treat ourselves with respect. Boundaries teach others to treat us with respect.

Women should stop worrying about being good enough for other people and start focusing on whether they are good enough for her.

Most people, especially women, find it hard to establish boundaries. It takes a lot of strength to choose to be alone instead of being surrounded by the wrong kind of people who don't value you. 

When boundaries are over stepped repeatedly, it creates a discord within us. When clear boundaries are established, there is a potential that it could cause discord in that relationship. It is our responsibility to evaluate which discord we are willing to accept. The ones we feel within or the one that will come after a boundary is set.

When you make a decision to love yourself, you have to actively work on it. Think about the effort, time, love and energy that we put into our relationship with our spouse, children or even friends. Now think about how much of that we spend on our relationship with self? It will shock you, we take ourselves completely for granted. When others see it, they follow our lead and then we complain that others take us for granted. Well, we have taught them that. 

The most important relationship you will ever invest in is the one with yourself.

But once you establish a positive relationship with yourself there's no looking back.

Kohmal: Setting boundaries is in an ongoing process that requires reminders, self love & the determination to maintain them. It is tougher to enforce since no one enjoys sudden changes 

And that is why I say, it is a journey, not a destination.

Geeti: I am happier Kohmal and I couldn't agree more on how important this was especially as mothers. My boys are my biggest cheer leaders and supporters whether it is helping around the house, or bringing me breakfast in bed on a Saturday. I see a huge shift over all in the family.  I don’t move things around giving up my personal pursuits, activities are scheduled around it. My husband has put up a whiteboard where kids are expected to put their weekly schedule so he doesn’t have to ask me and can help with pick ups and drop offs. Is it perfect, probably not because perfection is a myth. We are all work in progress.

Kohmal: Geeti I am with you and I also do not compromise any more on things that make me happy. I hardly had any hobbies or interests for many years but now I have started meditating almost every day. It brings me peace, balance & healing. I also joined an organization to explore my spiritual side because it brought me happiness. I started to make time for friends and join them for occasional movies or dinners. I also now go for a week-long meditation retreat every year and take short meditation retreats in between. In short, I started paying attention to my needs, my personal pursuits and started prioritizing myself.

 Unlike popular opinion on gender equality, Marriage isn’t about splitting everything in half but a fluid dance of give and take. It’s about offering the best of yourself when your partner can’t, trusting they’ll do the same for you. Some days you give more, and some days you need more, but together, you always make a whole.  

A crucial aspect often overlooked is the need to embrace tough conversations and discomfort in the pursuit of self-love and setting boundaries. It’s not easy, but it leads to peace and contentment. My showers, once again, are my sanctuary of relaxation and music. Whenever that serenity slips away, it signals a need to reassess something important in my life.

So as we wrap up this episode, we want you to review your list of tasks and responsibilities and pick at least one item that you can Divide, Delegate or Delete from your list.

Let us know if this conversation helped you or if you have implemented any practical steps to reclaim balance in your life.

Practicing self love is difficult but possible, and more like a journey than a destination. And once you are on this path, you can never go back to how things used to be. So don;t be at the crossroads and begin your journey to self love today.











People on this episode

Head Shot

GEETI

Host
Head Shot

Kohmal

Co-host