Love, Marriage & Myths: The Truth No One Tells You

In this eye-opening episode of Crossroads & Conversations, hosts Komal and Geeti dive into a topic that’s often overlooked—how our upbringing and social conditioning influence our biggest life decision: choosing a partner.

From outdated relationship advice to the fairy-tale love stories we were raised on, they explore why many people enter relationships with unrealistic expectations. They discuss why dating often fails to prepare couples for real-life challenges, the importance of self-awareness before marriage, and how past experiences shape what we seek in a partner.

This episode unpacks the myths surrounding love, marriage, and compatibility, offering practical insights on how to build stronger, more meaningful relationships and some of it is never talked about. Tune in for a candid, thought-provoking conversation on self-growth, emotional intelligence, and making better relationship choices.

Because life is about the conversations we have at the crossroads—the moments that shape us, connect us, and remind us of our shared humanity.

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Transcript

Komal: Today, we're diving into a topic that's often overlooked but incredibly impactful—how our upbringing and social conditioning shape who we become as adults, but more importantly, how they influence the most significant decision of our lives: choosing a partner.

Geeti: We often get advice on what to eat, what to wear, and even what career path to follow. But no one really talks about the biggest influence on our adulthood and the rest of our lives—the partner we choose.

Komal: Exactly. Marriage is considered such an important milestone, yet when we look at the advice from older generations and what the new generation is chasing, it often feels outdated and misguided.

Geeti: So, in today's episode, we're going to unpack this and explore how we can make better, more informed decisions when it comes to choosing a life partner. We are your hosts with the most, Geeti & Komal. Stay tuned, because this is going to be an eye-opening conversation!

Komal: Hey Geeti, ever notice how in those old movies, the girl is always this fragile, delicate creature who needs saving from the villain, her circumstances, the world—pretty much anything and everything? And then, voila, a knight in shining armor sweeps in to rescue her. They fall in love, and boom, happily ever after.

Geeti: Oh, totally, Komal! It’s like, poof, all life’s problems solved with one wedding. But in reality? Come on, no one shows what happens after the "I do's." They just expect us to believe that the wedding magically leads to eternal bliss. Spoiler alert: the real relationship work begins after the wedding.

Komal: Exactly! The moment you start living together, all the incompatibilities rear their ugly heads—the cultural differences, personality quirks, mismatched life philosophies. And let’s not forget the nosy neighbors and overbearing in-laws—perfect recipe for a romantic disaster.

Geeti: The truth is, you'll never find someone tailormade for you. The differences, mismatches, and flaws are real and part of being unique individuals. They will clash, and that’s precisely why dating was invented. To understand each other and know what to expect.

Komal: Oh, let me enlighten you, Geeti! Dating in India is often like two young fools arranging their own marriage and calling it love, based on a handful of public meetups. Real dating should be about spending time to explore each other’s personalities, ambitions, likes and dislikes, family values, future visions, and what they're looking for in a life partner.

Geeti: Komal you dated your husband before you got married, are you saying that your married life was still full of many surprises?

Komal:Geeti, we met at public places for movies or lunches, or going for a stroll. We used to be just giddy with excitement and hormones that we are spending these stolen moments together. We were not mature enough to ever discuss important stuff like, life after marriage, where we will stay, what kind of life we wanted together…or solve any disagreements. We just wanted to make eachother happy. So yes, married life was full of shocks and surprises. 🙂

Geeti: In reality, dating is more about impressing each other, hiding your true self and flaws, and getting all giddy with hormones. People don't discuss their future lives or share their hard "nope, not doing that for anyone" lists. Everything's all "Oh yes, honey" with the expectation that the guy will climb mountains and pick exotic flowers for her, while she'll fit perfectly into his life without a hitch.

Komal: But soon they discover that he won’t even make a cup of coffee, and she has no idea what taxes are or that money doesn’t grow on trees. Real life, folks!

Geeti: Komal, you know, unless you actually live with someone, you can’t truly know them. I mean, dating is great and all, but it doesn’t reveal everything. Differences and conflicts are going to pop up in any relationship. The real magic happens when you can empathize, see each other’s point of view, communicate without disrespect, and love without a laundry list of expectations and you embrace each other’s individuality.

Komal: Oh, Geeti, you're so right. We spend years learning equations, theorems, and formulas in school, but no one teaches us the key ingredients for Creating a healthy relationship. Neither do they tell us that it’s longevity depends on valuing each other every single day and growing together in the same direction, not apart. That is why marriages that are decades old or people after living together for years still choose separation, they just get out of sync and grow apart.

Geeti: That’s true because as we go through life, we evolve, we change and the hope is that as partners we are growing in the same direction. And don’t get me started on the perfect partner checklist society hands us! He should earn well, be good looking, and have a stellar education. She should be pretty, run a household like a pro, and also make money. The whole nine yards! But honestly, before we talk about finding that mythical perfect person, we need to ask ourselves—are we the right partner?

Komal: Exactly! Forget Prince Charming and Cinderella—it's about time we focus on knowing if we would love to with someone like us as a partner? So, let’s dive into what really matters in building strong, lasting relationships!

Geeti: Oof, that’s a big one, Komal. A lot of people think relationships are about finding the right person, but really, it starts with being the right person.

Komal: Exactly! If we don’t know ourselves—what we want, what we stand for, what our deal-breakers are—how do we expect to attract the kind of partner who actually complements our life?

Geeti: It’s like looking for the perfect pair of shoes without knowing your own size. You keep trying on different ones, hoping something fits, but it’s all trial and error until you actually know what works for you.

Komal: I love that analogy! And here’s the thing—when we’re not whole on our own, we end up searching for someone to complete us instead of complement us. That’s when relationships get tricky. Our generation was raised on the diet of finding a person to complete you and make you happy. That’s why half our generation is struggling in relationships.

Geeti: Right. Think about it—if you're starving and someone offers you a half-eaten sandwich, you might take it, not because it’s good, but because you’re just that hungry. But if you’re already full and someone offers you free dessert, you can decide whether you actually want it. Relationships work the same way. When you’re emotionally fulfilled, you choose a partner from a place of confidence, not desperation. 

Komal:Geeti, you won't believe this story. One of my friends saw her parents barely interacting. Her mom would go to events alone while her dad stayed home. So, when she started dating and found a guy who actually enjoyed going to movies, dinners, and events with her, she thought, "Jackpot! This is the dream!"

Geeti: It is more common than we realize, how much the shortcomings we see in our parents’ marriage defines what we look for in our future partner. A friend of mine fell in love because the boy was a smooth talker and her parents rarely communicated. She felt she had found a forever friend not realizing that he had very outdated ideologies of how a wife and husband should be. The friendship went out of the window on the wedding night itself.

Komal: Girls can seriously have a low bar for what they consider a catch. Sure, being an event buddy is great and all, but what about everything else? Marriage isn't just about showing up at parties together or having coffee talks. It's about balance, compatibility, and actually wanting to make the relationship work.

Geeti: Exactly! And then there's another friend of mine who grew up in a family where her dad didn't let her mom have a career. So she met a guy who was okay with her working, and she was like, "Wow, he's so supportive!" Never mind that she didn't ask if he'd actually help out with household chores. Spoiler alert: She ended up working two jobs—one at the office and one at home—while he sat back and relaxed.

Komal: Classic. And let's not forget the boys who chase after a girl's looks, never bothering to find out who she really is. Then they act all shocked when she turns out to be different from their dreamsl.

Geeti: Oh, the horror! "You mean you have actual opinions and personality traits? I was just here for the arm candy!" Real relationships are so much more complicated than that. It's about finding balance, respecting each other's individuality, and not basing your whole relationship on surface-level stuff.

Komal:  So, if you're looking for that lasting connection, ditch the fairy tale criteria and get real about what actually matters in a partner. 

Knowing Yourself Before a Relationship

Geeti: So ask yourself first: are you content with your own company? Can you handle your emotions? Do you know how to take care of yourself, financially and emotionally? Because if you don’t, you’re not looking for love—you’re looking for a crutch.

Komal: And that’s not fair to you or your future partner. When we expect someone else to fix us, we put pressure on them to meet all our emotional needs, which—let’s be honest—is exhausting for both sides.

Geeti: And if we haven’t processed our own baggage, we risk carrying unresolved emotions into our relationship. Like, say you grew up in a house where extreme anger was considered normal—maybe your dad threw away food if it wasn’t perfect, and everyone tiptoed around his mood. As an adult who is now married and believes he is self-aware of anger, you might think, “I’m so calm compared to him.” But if your partner grew up in a peaceful home, your version of “calm” might still feel extreme to them.

Two individuals on their own might be perfectly fine, but pair them up with the wrong person, and the relationship can go south fast.

Komal: Absolutely, Geeti. It's crucial to know what kind of life you envision after marriage and if you are compatible with your future partner. Are you a big city girl or a small town diva? If you expect someone who grew up sheltered in a small town, riding a scooty, to suddenly thrive in a bustling metro with long commutes, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. She might become extremely dependent on you, and that's not fair to either of you.

Geeti: And let's talk about career dynamics. A guy with a demanding job might want a partner who enjoys being a domestic goddess. But if he marries an ambitious career woman, they might clash every day over who's taking the night shift for the baby.

Komal: So, be honest with yourself and make two lists: one with your non-negotiables, the things you absolutely can’t give up, and another with your deal-breakers, the "no way I’m ever doing that" list. 

Geeti: Exactly! It’s all about understanding your priorities and being clear about what you want and need in a partner. It’s not about finding perfection but about finding someone who aligns with your vision for the future.

Komal: Exactly! And that’s why self-awareness is key. We have to unpack our experiences of our own life & expectations from our future life before assuming someone else will just understand us or change for us. If we don’t, we risk projecting our past onto our partner.

Healing Before You Love

Geeti: That brings us to healing.before you build a new house, you need to clear the rubble from the old one. Otherwise, you’re just building on a shaky foundation.

Komal: Oh, 100%.  I love this metaphor— If you’ve been cheated on before and haven’t healed, you might carry that fear into your next relationship. Suddenly, an innocent “Who were you texting?” turns into a full-blown interrogation.

Geeti: Or if you were raised in an environment where love was conditional—maybe you were only praised when you got good grades—you might enter a relationship constantly seeking validation, needing proof that you’re loved. Or  let’s say you're insecure about your looks and you marry someone who’s drop-dead gorgeous. You'll probably spend most of your time fishing for compliments and constantly asking, "Do you really love me?"

Komal: Oh, totally, Geeti. But  it's not your partner's job to fix all your emotional baggage, insecurities, and fears. They aren’t your therapist, rehab centers or your personal cheerleader. If you are a woman who believes you can change your partner with true love, you my dear are delusional. Never overestimate your power to change someone else. And never underestimate the power to change yourself. 

Geeti: Exactly! It’s up to us to be self-aware, deal with our issues, and heal from them. Only then can we find the right partner and be confident that we’ll be the right partner too. You know, Komal, it's a trap so many people fall into. We meet someone and think, "Oh, I can change a few things about them," and we end up falling for this idealized version we've created in our minds.

Komal: Exactly, Geeti. But people only change when they want to, not because someone else wants them to. So, when reality hits and that dream version of the person doesn't materialize, the disappointment and broken expectations start threatening the relationship.

Geeti: Yeah, and that's when things get rocky. Instead of trying to mold someone into who we want them to be, we should accept them as they are and appreciate the real person in front of us. If you can't do that, it's better to reevaluate rather than cling to a fantasy. Cut your losses in the beginning.

Komal: So, basically, stop expecting your partner to be the answer to all your emotional problems. Do the work, get your act together, and then step into a relationship as a whole, secure individual. That’s the real game-changer.

Geeti:. Instead of saying, “I need you to make me feel secure,” we say, “I know I’m worthy of love, and I trust you.” That shift makes all the difference.

The Confidence Factor

Komal: And that brings us to confidence. When you know yourself, you become secure in your identity. So if your partner says, “You’re too sensitive,” instead of doubting yourself, you can think, “No, I just process emotions deeply—and that’s okay.”

Geeti: Exactly! It also helps with conflict. When a fight happens, you can take a step back and say, “Wait a minute—this isn’t about me. This is about them and what they’re going through.” And suddenly, instead of reacting defensively, you’re responding with clarity.

Komal: Self-awareness and confidence make relationships smoother because you’re no longer questioning your worth based on someone else’s opinion.

Are You Seeking a Partner or a Parent?

Geeti: Can you imagine how it will be if two people came together just for love, companionship and growing together without the expectations of “you make me happy, make me feel secure, help me heal”...The problem is that relationships were not ever created for companionship. This is a evolved version of marriage because men and women have evolved. Traditional expectations in relationships were very different.

Komal: Oh, In the past, relationships were almost like business transactions. A man wanted someone to cook, clean, and take care of the home. A woman wanted financial security. It was a barter system. It was about two business merging, two families becoming stronger, for reproduction, for taking care of aging parents….it was never about companionship 🙂

Komal: So let’s rewind a little. In many traditional cultures, especially in South Asia, marriages weren’t just about two people—they were about two families, two lineages, two business alliances even! 

Geeti: Love? Attraction? Emotional connection? That was considered secondary—if it happened, great. If not, well… “adjust karlo.”  Arranged marriages were about practicality over romance. Families considered caste, religion, financial status, and even astrological compatibility.

Komal: And honestly, there were some advantages to this system. For one, you had a strong support system—families were heavily invested in making the marriage work. You also had shared values, which meant fewer lifestyle conflicts, and financial stability was a major plus.

Geeti: True, but let’s not sugarcoat it. Women, especially, often had zero say in their own marriages. They were expected to fit into the husband’s family, not the other way around. And the worst part? The focus wasn’t on building a happy relationship—it was about ensuring the family’s honor, managing societal expectations, and, let’s be real, ensuring a steady production of heirs. The couple barely got a shot at building their relationship, they just spent years managing familial expectations of them.

Komal: And let’s talk about gender roles. A man was the provider, a woman the caretaker. Simple, right? But what happened if a woman wanted more? Or if the man wasn’t actually capable of providing? There was no room for questioning—just compromise.

Geeti: But today, that model is outdated. Women are financially independent, and men are expected to contribute at home. So relationships now require emotional compatibility, not just financial or domestic support.

Komal: And that means asking yourself some hard questions. Are you looking for a partner or a provider? Are you looking for love, or are you just bored and lonely? Are you feeling peer pressure because your friends are busy in their relationships? Because if you’re just filling a void, the relationship won’t last.

Geeti: Let’s be real—if you don’t enjoy your own company, how can you expect someone else to? If you can’t manage your daily life, are you looking for a partner or a parent? These are things we need to figure out before we commit.

Komal: And most importantly, it’s about mutual respect. When you truly know yourself, you stop tolerating relationships where you feel unseen, unheard, or disrespected. Because you know you deserve better.

Geeti: So, before you start searching for the right partner, ask yourself: “Would I want to date me?” If the answer is no, maybe it’s time to focus inward first.

Komal: And if the answer is yes—well, congratulations, you’re already on your way to attracting the right kind of love! A good relationship is about two people who are complete and happy and come together for companionship. A good relationship is about “Being the right person” & “Finding the right person”.

Geeti: What is the “Right kind of Love”? What should we look for when we meet and date potential partners? What are some of the most important green and red flags? Where is modern marriage headed in the times of instagram weddings and viral online lives? Let's discuss this and much more in the 2nd part of our “relationship” series. Till then, make sure to have these conversations with the teens and young people in your life…